Thursday, September 24, 2009
#214
i had a blast on wednesday!((: thanks everyone again for EVERYTHING..seriously everything..for coming, helping, the presents, staying over or intention to stayover and for being my friend. and i realised my friends know me a lot better than i thought. haha.
im here to finish wat i had wanted to say but couldn't continue because of my little dramatic stance. lolx. i wanted to leave it but i realised some didnt get it and i really want to talk about this before i leave for australia next year.
wat i really meant to say was that I'M REALLY SORRY.
im not a touched-cry person. i never cry because im touched. (but i was touched. haha.) im a sad/sorry/angry-cry person.
and im so so angry with myself. beyond angry. and helpless. and i feel so so sorry that i haven done you guys justice. so much so that i couldnt continue with my birthday 'speech'.
im really really really sorry for being such a lousy friend. i miss outings. i hardly show concern for my friends. and when i try i look so fake because a part of me tries to hide my feelings. i forget their birthdays. i never asked them out. i never told them how much i appreciate them. i never contact them on my own initative. i seem like im too busy with my life to care. like i said there are so many things that i should hav done as a friend that didnt, so many so many things that i really wanted to do but i didnt. you will never understand how sorry i feel towards you guys.
and im angry with myself for not being able to remember birthdays. that i try to write it somewhere then i lose it or i cant remember where i wrote it. that i want to show concern for my friends when they are having problems but i grew up learning how to keep my feelings and emotions, other than happiness and probably pissed-ness, to myself. that i want to ask my friends out but i cant do it. im angry that i always behave like i dont care about my friends but i really do. that i want to tell my friends how much i appreciate them but all i can manage is to try my best to meet up with them when there are outings to show them that i care. im so angry that i try so hard to change but my progress is so so slow. i hate myself for being such a friend.
but i will continue trying. so i hope you guys can continue to be understanding like you guys have always been and wait for me to become a better friend (:
to get a step closer to this day im going to say something ms seow says i hardly ever say: i love you guys!((:
and then we can all forget about what i said in this entry because i would very much like to continue to hide these negative feelings again after this. like xinyu and siowhui said its not like me to let out and lose control of my feelings. lolx. so i will fan lian if you guys mention it beyond this space. im serious.
i had a blast on wednesday!((: thanks everyone again for EVERYTHING..seriously everything..for coming, helping, the presents, staying over or intention to stayover and for being my friend. and i realised my friends know me a lot better than i thought. haha.
im here to finish wat i had wanted to say but couldn't continue because of my little dramatic stance. lolx. i wanted to leave it but i realised some didnt get it and i really want to talk about this before i leave for australia next year.
wat i really meant to say was that I'M REALLY SORRY.
im not a touched-cry person. i never cry because im touched. (but i was touched. haha.) im a sad/sorry/angry-cry person.
and im so so angry with myself. beyond angry. and helpless. and i feel so so sorry that i haven done you guys justice. so much so that i couldnt continue with my birthday 'speech'.
im really really really sorry for being such a lousy friend. i miss outings. i hardly show concern for my friends. and when i try i look so fake because a part of me tries to hide my feelings. i forget their birthdays. i never asked them out. i never told them how much i appreciate them. i never contact them on my own initative. i seem like im too busy with my life to care. like i said there are so many things that i should hav done as a friend that didnt, so many so many things that i really wanted to do but i didnt. you will never understand how sorry i feel towards you guys.
and im angry with myself for not being able to remember birthdays. that i try to write it somewhere then i lose it or i cant remember where i wrote it. that i want to show concern for my friends when they are having problems but i grew up learning how to keep my feelings and emotions, other than happiness and probably pissed-ness, to myself. that i want to ask my friends out but i cant do it. im angry that i always behave like i dont care about my friends but i really do. that i want to tell my friends how much i appreciate them but all i can manage is to try my best to meet up with them when there are outings to show them that i care. im so angry that i try so hard to change but my progress is so so slow. i hate myself for being such a friend.
but i will continue trying. so i hope you guys can continue to be understanding like you guys have always been and wait for me to become a better friend (:
to get a step closer to this day im going to say something ms seow says i hardly ever say: i love you guys!((:
and then we can all forget about what i said in this entry because i would very much like to continue to hide these negative feelings again after this. like xinyu and siowhui said its not like me to let out and lose control of my feelings. lolx. so i will fan lian if you guys mention it beyond this space. im serious.
what we could have been, 9:27 AM.
